The Fjordhammer Project: It's In My Heart And It's In My Soul - My Story

It's In My Heart And It's In My Soul

*Trigger Warning* - Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts

Music is the one universal language that we can all understand. Its melodies, harmonies, rhythms and stories all have unique places in our hearts and minds. Memory is often associated with music, so when I look back at the past I do so with a soundtrack. At every significant stage of my life there is a song, an EP or an album. Over the years, taste has changed, bands have fallen in and out of favour and hours have been spent wrapped in the warm embrace of classic and new albums. There has always remained one  constant and that is the constant craving for a beat to nod to, if there isn't one there, I'l create one. Just like the metronomic pump of my heart, music is what keeps me going. 

Recovery is a never ending investment of self-love, it is never linear and you face things that you never thought you had the strength to face. The courage it takes to stay open and share isn't lost on me, if you'd have told me as recently as three years ago that I would have gone through two rounds of counselling and be writing for three magazines alongside setting up a project to help others, I would have told you to do one. Alas, here we are, the power of change is magical and it shouldn't be feared, for better or for worse. Anyway, I'm digressing. 

I picked up a guitar at the 11, but I didn't really learn what I was doing until 16, despite having lessons. I knew what I wanted to sound like, Hendrix, Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin had been staples in my early music journey alongside Guns 'n' Roses Appetite For Destruction. This all coincided with the release Guitar Hero III on PS2. Throughout this biblical style education in the world of rock and metal, which I fully immersed myself in and fell in love with it all (an unspoken 'all or nothing' mantra to commitment that I habitually take into everything that I so), over the next decade life on the outside was a jumble of mixed emotions, significant change, culture clashes, anxiety and grief. 

As time marched on, university is where I got my first taste of freedom and also, in many ways, I lost myself as I questioned who I was. Many a drunken night on Bristol’s streets resulted in coming back, drunk and blasting music through my headphones into the early hours. I felt guilty for pursuing my interests and passions, thinking I had failed the family by taking an unconventional career path and would have been better off in something more stable. I was anxious, depressed and becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol for my emotional pain relief. It was during this time I discovered extreme metal, coming from a more metalcore/hardcore/deathcore background it was revolutionary for me, changing my perspective of metal completely. It was like I was drawn to its pain and suffering, the tortuous sounds, everything. I immersed myself do much I even wrote an essay on Black Metal for my university coursework and started my own one man band Vanaheimr. Uni was a dark place though, that music came from a dark place, I learnt more about the burdens I was carrying and alcohol became the quick release, I failed to look after myself and as a result every aspect of me suffered. I was masking so much pain that at many points I knew and was certain that I wasn’t going to carry on. I never planned for my future because I was so consumed in the trauma. I vented through playing guitar, writing and listening to music, the catharsis was second to none. I learned to utilise my feelings through expressing my art, making things, writing and it got me through university. However, Vanaheimr kept me in the darkness and caused problems rather than solutions. Whilst I still enjoy black metal, in some cases it makes me uncomfortable as I'm reminded of the place that I was when I first heard its chilling guitars. That is a testament as to how  music ingrains itself with memories. 

Moving home sadly symbolised a failure in my head back then, gladly now I know it was exactly what I needed to get back on my feet. My all consuming passion and love for music drove me through day to day life, and then Fjordhammer came into my mind and I started writing about what I loved. Writing mainly reviews and playlist articles I ferociously tapped away, honing my style and falling in love with music twice as hard. I always had a love for writing, having written poems and snippets of stories, I always had a dream of being an author as well as a musician, Fjordhammer put me on that path. While the story ideas are there, they aren't quite clear enough to form a comprehensive narrative just yet. Through Fjordhammer I started to gain some traction online and met some incredible people through my love of music. It was through the pandemic that this really grew, this was also a time where I started counselling, I unburdened myself form the countless chips on my shoulders, the grief, pain and suicidal ideation. I tapped into my spirituality, got out into nature (I've always been outdoorsy) and learned that indulging my interests is nothing to be ashamed of or something to feel guilty about. Alongside this, my parents reassured me that they backed me 100% and I am incredibly lucky to have that. 

Music has always been a mainstay no matter where I ended up, I have always found a way to listen to my favourite songs. Before music however came reading. I've always loved history and stories, to this day I still imagine characters and scenarios on my mundane walks to work. These two elements came together with music. When bands sang about history or mythology I was inspired, I looked up every bit of information and at this later stage in life have built a mini-library for myself of all those things I found interesting. The two go hand in hand, especially when started exploring languages and the folk songs that accompany them. This help me find my passion for reading and learning again, it tied together the loose ends of my mind and made a strong foundation as to what was to come in the future. Rediscovering a passion is always a heartwarming experience and when reading came back into my life I was elated, and now I'm determined it will never leave again. 

Through all this I ended Vanaheimr and distanced myself from it, it was a place I no longer wanted to be in. As a result, I picked up my guitar and took a new musical direction, exploring the influences that started it all and some new ones along the way. I was writing maniacally and the result was the demos for Deep Rooted Black Magick, Witchwood Wizard & The Psychic Yeti’s debut, I found a new hope through that project and working with Sabrina alongside indulging my other passions for history, storytelling, spirituality and magic in our amazing conversations brought me so much joy and happiness and still does. I’m immensely proud of that album and the Enter The Yeti! EP that followed. 

To me, music is a magical force, it is rooted in ancient times and can work in mysterious ways. Intrinsically tied to thought and memory, it is powerful in so many aspects. I suppose the point of my story is that the intense love I have for melody, harmony, riffs and rhythms helped me survive some torrid times but also showed me the power of love, kindness and openness. Through music I learnt about myself and have seen the world through thousands of eyes. You may not always feel creative, but rest assured there is always something brewing inside of you, always something ticking over, the key is patience. The message I would hope you take from this, is no matter how much adversity you are facing, you passion, commitment and dedication to the things you love will always drive you through. I still have no idea where I'm heading but I know I'm on the right track, and that is more than I could ever ask for. 

To quote my favourite band Black Stone Cherry;

“Everybody feels blue sometimes

You gotta keep your head up and keep on trying

And if you feel the urge to raise your hand

You can start a revolution, or start a band”